I can remember the night like it was yesterday. A man standing in front of a woman shouting “Don’t talk to me that way” and the woman yelling back with rage in her eyes. The screaming got louder and louder until the man lost his temper and and I fell to the floor in tears.
This memory stayed with me up until about two years ago. I had no idea how influential this moment was in time until I started to notice it’s control over my life.
As a successful woman working in marketing, I was on top of the world. I had a boyfriend who loved me, a stable occupation, a healthy community of friends and positive projection of starting my own business. All of that started to fall apart my work climate shifted and caused me to reconsider my position working for my employer, and with one change came many. I broke up with my boyfriend, ended my small business and decided to move out of my apartment to pursue a dream of traveling the world. The biggest challenge came up when this memory started to resurface.
I had gotten into an arguement with my ex. An argument that left me feeling devastated and alone. I struggled through that situation not understanding why I felt so ashamed, helpless and isolated. I literally felt like my throat had been choked. And then, one afternoon the memory resurfaced. I started to feel the grip around the woman’s throat as the man I had seen in an argument threw her against a wall before she fell to the floor. Her experience became mine and from there on out, I make a secret vow that I would never make anyone that upset.
I began to see how this memory became my reality with men. I would hesitate to argue. I would end relationships early in fear that the struggle was a sign that it wasn’t meant to be. I was living in fear of reliving that memory for myself. When the memory came back, I was transported into the room where it happened. I saw the situation happen and suddenly I felt the block in my throat lift up into my nose and pour out through tears. I entered into a whirlwind of hurt, crying, shame and pain. It was the most painful time in my life but also the most rewarding.
After clearing that block, I started to do some deep inner work. Seeing myself for who I really was and noticing where I was covering up the hurt. I remember sitting in bed one night feeling like I was a huge willow tree wrapped in dark, heavy branches. As I started to clear and let go of past experiences, slowly the branches started to pull away and I could see the brightness of the trunk underneath. My tree was no longer dark and dense but light and full of rich nectar. It was vibrant and free of any entrapments. I noticed that I had put myself in this cage in order to stay safe. After I found my own roots through the inner work, then I was able to shine in the things I loved to do rather than seek approval from outside sources of stability.
Stepping into your potential and stripping away your fears is a lifelong journey. I still see my patterns show up from time to time. But now, instead of feeling helpless and victimized by my circumstances, I am conscious of them and choose to make subtle changes. This process takes time so I forgive myself for screwing up. It happens but I am aware, and that is truly a gift.
After the break up, my mantra became “I am Self Love”. I used this mantra throughout the day. It helped me to get over some other deep seeded insecurities I had picked up from years of competitive dance. These insecurities, along with the fear, were inhibiting me from taking on certain risks and finding someone who truly valued me for who I am. I always recommend using a mantra, or saying, that helps to center and reground you. Something that is challenging to say in the beginning then becomes more comfortable over time. You work the message into your psyche and suddenly your subconscious patterns start to change. It doesn’t happen all at once but soon you will start to believe its message. Now I can look in the mirror and say, “you look beautiful today” without needing to fix or edit any details (really!). I am also very open in my communication. I able to speak my needs and express my feelings. Before I held back, a lot, in fear of saying the wrong thing. Now I can discern what is appropriate to say and when it is appropriate to listen. It’s a balance rooted in the throat.
I am happier now than I have ever been. I found love again and it’s been a magical experience. My current partner and I work through our challenges in a healthy, open way. I am free to be me in almost every circumstance and I feel free to work towards my personal goals of owning a thriving business and traveling the world inspiring people to live a more abundant lives rooted in love. My good friend, Chris Pan, has a company called MyIntent that encourages people to wear an intention around their wrist to remind them of the work they need to do to make his/her dreams come true. My first word was Love, then Passion, Patience and now Prosperity. Prosperity in all of my relationships, starting with my self and spreading to others.
Sending you love and light on your journey towards healing and personal growth,